You just met someone special, and you starting to think that you might actually have a shot with them. You've talked about everything under the sun and the repetitive “what did you do today?” has worn its course. You worked up the courage to ask them on a date and they actually agreed. Now you've fallen victim to the age old trap: the movie date.
It's safe. It's comfortable. You're just trying to spend time with someone, not reinvent the wheel... but these are the five kinds of movie dates you'll have.
Netflix and Chill (Horror Film)
You sleazy, sleazy guy. You might try to cover up your intentions by saying, “we're just going to hang out,” but we all see through your disguise. You playfully go through the movies, but you already have the “one” in your mind. This isn't your first Netflix & Chill session. You've had plenty and it's down to a science in your head. You are the Netflix algorithm.
Nothing too action heavy because it needs a good plot. Nothing too plot-driven because you need memorable lines. Nothing too cliché because you need a sure fire movie that you both can sit through. Then, you come upon it. It's the holy grail of movies: Princess Bride.
...wait. They just pulled that movie off Netflix. This is going to be a long night...
The Actual Movie Date (Rom-Com)
This is the best original date. You both go out and have a nice meal, then you walk down to the movie theater, and you are really kicking it off. It's practically When Harry Met Sally. “Oh, you never seen that one? That's okay, another time.”
You're batting a perfect game. You both casually walk up to the movie theater when your face goes pale. You want to drop to your knees and yell, but you can't. You didn't check what the theater was playing. Your choices are Justice League, The Emoji Movie, and Fifty Shades Darker. This movie theater has to be holding the three worst movie of the year—just for you!
Now, it's all ruined. You look deep into each others eyes knowing that this can't be spoiled, and the frozen yogurt place has live music at 9.
The Picking of a Movie (Adventure Film)
You both get settled in and you're finally comfortable. You start casually scrolling though Netflix options, but nothing seems to be resonating. Horror would be too scary (not to mention, the scariest you'll go in the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie). They suggest a rom-com, but you can't sit through one of those movies.
Then, you just casually throw out Princess Bride. They say, “No, I just watched that with Alex the other night.” They start asking questions about why Netflix is suggesting Sharknado 3, Occult Crimes, and Trolls. You jump over to Amazon Prime with no luck, and in a desperate attempt you go to Starz. You didn't even realize you had Starz. But there's still nothing. It's like you're screaming into the movie void and it's giving you nothing back.
Before you know it, it's been a 90 minute run time of you failing at finding a movie, and it's time to call it a night.
They Have Bad Taste (Campy Film)
The home cooked meal was a brilliant idea and you even did it at their place. As you settle on the couch they go over to their movie collection to pull out some ideas. No, you think you'll pass on Transformers. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End is not something you're interested in. You're going to pull a hard pass on Couples Retreat. Then it dawns on you. You two have nothing in common movie wise.
It all seemed too good to be true, but they kept making references to Kicking and Screaming and Dead Silence. It's like they enjoy the taste of rotten tomatoes, and now, you're stuck watching Batman and Robin.
YOU Have Bad Taste (Art House Film)
You've got to be kidding me, right? You don't know who Paul Thomas Anderson is? Well, you haven't seen enough movies, but you have to love Stanley Kubrick! You don't know him either?
Well, you must like Citizen Kane. You only saw half of it, but it's the greatest movie ever made. No, Armageddon is not the best movie ever made. Read Window is not too old. The Godfather is not bad because it's long. And Pan's Labyrinth isn't bad because you have to read subtitles. We can watch something by Wes Anderson or the Coen Brothers! No, neither of them directed a film with The Rock.
I don't have bad taste...I have cultured taste. A distinguished taste... a lonesome taste.
Alex Moerer is from Waverly, Iowa, and is currently living in Chicago. He is a working actor who likes to write on the side. Some of Alex's favorite movies include Memento, The Big Lebowski, and Moonrise Kingdom.
Follow Alex on Twitter @Fakealvinmoerer.